so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
