i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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