I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
