Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
