I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
