I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
