I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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