I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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