im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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