Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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