You made me cry and you don't even care
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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