I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
