I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Bring me that man meat
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
