If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
