I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
