Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
