sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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