so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
