I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
