things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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