Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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