cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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