Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
