You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
