I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's great music for shaving your balls
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
