i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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