she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
