Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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