my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I forgot wine drunk hurts
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
