I faked an abortion last night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
