Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
it glows. i had to have it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
