I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
