I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
