How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
