Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
