my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
