Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
