My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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