Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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