cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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