Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
