Who did Billy Mays play for?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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