No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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