pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
