He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
