By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
