Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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