he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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