..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
