oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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