I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
