I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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