Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
