All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
how drunk are you?
Several
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
