Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
