ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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