I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have already put on my inside pants.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
