"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
