I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The beer is more important than you right now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
