god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
