So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
