Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
